The Way It Is

Our family traveled to Canada last month. In order to cross the border in an official manner, Abbey and I needed to apply for our passports. First we had our photos taken by a teenage girl at CVS. She had black fingernails, bleach blond hair, a dog collar for a necklace, and lipstick—really, really red lipstick. She chewed gum while she focused the camera on our faces and told us we couldn't smile. Then, CVS charged me seven dollars and fifty cents for six, 1x1-inch photos that looked like mug shots from the NYPD. I was embarrassed, but what could I do? We took our less than flattering photos and headed over to the post office.

With all the necessary documentation in hand, we stood in line and waited one half hour on the loveliest Saturday of the year while a completely unorganized and unprepared family of six processed their passports before us. I stared out the window at the beautiful weather, trying with all my might to be patient. Finally our turn came and Abbey went first, plopping her paperwork on the well-worn counter. "We don't accept driver permits as a form of identification," the woman informed Abbey. After much conversation among several other postal workers, it was determined that I, as a parent of said applicant, could sign away her need for an official driver's license. It didn't make sense to me, but I signed the paper. Now, if my only daughter proved to be an illegal alien, it would be entirely my fault.

Next, it was my turn. Happily, I pulled out all the paperwork, ready to prove my proud heritage as a citizen of the United States of America. "Driver's license?" I handed it to her. "Birth certificate?" I handed her that, too. "This is not acceptable," she said. "It's ripped and it's taped. You'll have to get a new one from the State of Wisconsin before we can process your passport." Then she said I could expedite my birth certificate for about seventy dollars on-line. Then she said they could expedite my passport for a fee of two hundred dollars more. My mind did the math. Two expedited passports plus one expedited birth certificate equaled four hundred and seventy dollars. "Let's expedite ourselves out of here," I told Abbey—and we did. And guess what? We expedited ourselves right into Canada without a passport—and our beloved America took us back too. No passport required, just our birth certificates and driver's identification cards. That's just the way it is.